Forget Explaining Why: A Different Approach to Disciplining Kids
My post last month on anger in parenting and at work drew a robust and thoughtful response, and IÂ’ve tried in the weeks since to be more aware of the way I react to my kids when they transgress. I would say there have been few, if any, instances of outright yelling, though IÂ’m sure IÂ’ve had some interactions with my children that have been colored more by frustration than patience. An interesting article in Slate last week got me thinking about an approach that differs from both of the usual extremes in parental response to bad behavior.
Alan E. Kazdin, a Yale professor of psychology and child psychiatry, writes that shouting at a child is ineffective in changing unwanted behavior. ThatÂ’s not much of a surprise. But ineffective, too, is calmly explaining to the child why what he or she did is wrong and mustnÂ’t be done again. That is the way I usually approach disciplining my 3-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter. On Sunday, for example, I told my son it was important that he tell his sister he was sorry for accidentally stepping on her toe, because I knew he really was sorry and letting her know would help her to feel better. Mr. Kazdin says that sort of attempt to create greater understanding does little to prevent a repeat of the wrong behavior. Like adults who smoke, he writes, kids very often know something is wrong, but do it anyway.
Instead of explaining why something is wrong, Mr. Kazdin writes, parents should focus on telling children what would be the right thing to do, without getting into the moral dimension at all. So, I should have told my son, “IÂ’d like you to say sorry when you hurt someone else, even if itÂ’s an accident,” and left it at that. (Or, instead of going on about how bad it was that he cut up the vertical blinds in the family room — which itÂ’s safe to say I would have bellowed about had I been home when it happened — I should have said, “I want you to use scissors only for cutting your drawing paper.”) There must also be effusive, affectionate praise of the proper behavior, and role-playing sessions in which you and the child take turns modeling it. We do already try to praise the kids for doing the right thing unbidden, but the whole approach seems worth a try, IÂ’d say.
Now, to keep the “work-and-” in this work-and-family blog, I also thought about whether the Kazdin approach would apply to the office. It strikes me that many of us probably use some of his approach there without knowing it: Often the best way to ensure that something is done right is to state plainly how it should be done, without mucking up the instructions with why. We’re probably a little light on the effusive praise, but maybe adding that part would brighten up a few workplaces.
Have you tried a method like Mr. KazdinÂ’s with your kids, or would you? And how about with your co-workers or employees?
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